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From a Catatonic State

I can't move, even to lift my eyelids. I'm only semi-aware of what's happening around me, but I'm fully awake, fully aware of my thoughts, and fully aware of what's happening to me.
My therapist calls this a catatonic state, and it's happened to me in moments of extreme stress since I was a kid. It's been happening to me more often, though, lately, and it's easier to slip into this state when I'm both exhausted and delusional.

I'm always resisting becoming delusional. I have intrusive thoughts 24-7, and I always have to think harder than neurotypical people to tell the difference between fantasy and reality. When I'm exhausted, I can't keep this up anymore, and the lines blur. Because the delusions I slip into are often terrifying, I can slip into a corresponding catatonic state.

A catatonic state is not sleep paralysis. I'm awake before it happens. Sometimes, I'm chatting with friends in the car one moment and catatonic the next, and they often don't realize that anything's wrong or think that I've just gotten quiet.

Being catatonic is, itself, scary. I'm trapped in my head with frightening thoughts, but I can't move or speak to engage in any of my usual distractive or coping mechanisms.

My psychiatrist made some medication changes to try to help with this.

My psychiatrist prescribed a small dose of Ativan at bedtime to help with this. I have reservations, as it can be addictive, but I think she's right that it's needed.
We already have me on general anti-anxiety/anti-depressant and anti-psychotic medication, and I religiously utilize my coping mechanisms and thought exercises.

So far, Ativan helps a lot with the fear I experience in the evenings, and it can often prevent this catatonic state. However, it can make me equally unresponsive in a tired and detached state that makes it hard to form words or engage with the world around me. 

Psychiatric medication can have heavy side effects, like this lethargy, and sometimes my family and friends discourage me from taking it as a result. I'm not always open with everyone about the breadth of my psychiatric symptoms, but those who know are usually in favor of me taking the medications.

Psych meds are really needed for me, and so is therapy. Please don't discourage people from seeking that help. You never know what's happening in their brains.

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