.Being.Us

"Delusions  are strong beliefs that are not consistent with the person’s culture, are unlikely to be true and may seem irrational to others" ( NAMI ). I struggle with delusions consistently and have for years. In my pre-teen and teenage years, I sat in bed bartering with a complex society of monsters each night to let me live through the night, and I covered my neck so that one monster in particular could not turn me into one of his minions. Today, I struggle with thinking that people I see are vampires, werewolves, or goblins using illusion magic to pass as human. I also struggle with thinking I'm being watched and followed or recorded. Other common delusions include believing that outside forces are controlling your thoughts or actions, believing little remarks or objects have special significance, and believing that you have special powers ( NAMI ). " Hallucinations  are seeing, hearing or feeling things that aren’t there"  ( NAMI ). I didn't start deali...

"Delusions are strong beliefs that are not consistent with the person’s culture, are unlikely to be true and may seem irrational to others" ( NAMI ). I deal with delusions pretty constantly. I often think I'm being followed or surveilled, and I believe that people I see are vampires, werewolves, or goblins using illusion magic to pass as human. In the past, when I was not on the correct anti-psychotic medication, I also believed that people around me were being replaced by replicas and feared being replaced myself. The delusions I experience off of anti-psychotic medications affect how I see the whole world, while the delusions on anti-psychotics still occur within what I perceive as the "real world." Sometimes, these delusions are re-enforced by hallucinations, as well. Because I experience delusions so frequently, and because anti-psychotics sometimes allow me to approach those thoughts logically, I use several strategies to test thoughts that I think might b...

I used to be very religious. I've talked about it before. I was Bible-thumping, evangelizing on the subway, spending all my time in churches, memorizing the Bible, all-in, 100% religious, and there's nothing inherently wrong with that. Not everyone who is religious is judgemental, or mentally ill, or prone to black-and-white thinking, but I was all of those things. You see, being very religious didn't make my mental illness go away. One big symptom of my mental illness is trouble grasping reality, and, being immersed in the Christian religion, I used the Bible as a guide for what was real and what wasn't. This means that I lived in a reality where I heard God, angels, and demons, and saw them too, and I didn't seek help because I thought my experiences were real and literal. Autism isn't a mental illness, but it leads to black-and-white thinking for me. During this time period, I didn't think I was allowed to have a personality or interests outside of my...

I can't move, even to lift my eyelids. I'm only semi-aware of what's happening around me, but I'm fully awake, fully aware of my thoughts, and fully aware of what's happening to me. My therapist calls this a catatonic state, and it's happened to me in moments of extreme stress since I was a kid. It's been happening to me more often, though, lately, and it's easier to slip into this state when I'm both exhausted and delusional. I'm always resisting becoming delusional. I have intrusive thoughts 24-7, and I always have to think harder than neurotypical people to tell the difference between fantasy and reality. When I'm exhausted, I can't keep this up anymore, and the lines blur. Because the delusions I slip into are often terrifying, I can slip into a corresponding catatonic state. A catatonic state is not sleep paralysis. I'm awake before it happens. Sometimes, I'm chatting with friends in the car one moment and catatonic th...

I'm having a really awful psych day. People don't talk about the awful days openly when they involve things, like hallucinations and delusions, that are so heavily stigmatized. This can lead to those of us who experience those things feeling depressed, alone, ashamed, etc., though, and there's no shame in mental illness. That's why I'm making this post, describing my really crappy last few days. I don't need a trip to the hospital, yet, and I'm not in danger. I just want this to  be less stigmatized, and I want others who experience it to feel less alone. So, here's my last few days, copied from Tumblr. I might expand and explain better when I'm thinking more clearly. I’m having a really bad couple of psych days. I’m not by any means suicidal. That doesn’t really happen when I’m on Effexor. I love my life, and I want to live. I haven’t missed any psych meds, but I’m having auditory hallucinations of knocking coming from all directions, bu...

Often, when people find out I deal with mental illness , chronic illness, or autism , they express how sorry they are. This feels strange, like I'm defective in some way, and they wish they could change me, like I'm not loveable as I am. I know that's not what they're trying to express. Sometimes, I do wish I could change me. Mental illness is especially hard. Even though I know there's no shame in having a mental illness, and it's not something I can overcome by sheer willpower, sometimes, I feel ashamed not to be able to will it away. There are days when, no matter how hard I try, I cannot do the very important things that need done, and the only block is an illness in my own mind. There are nights when I cannot logic away delusions or talk down paranoia enough to take my dog out. There are times when I do things during a mental health episode that I come to regret later. This all gets even harder to judge with chronic physical illnesses and autism mixed in;...

Earlier this week, I started on the medication  Seroquel . I'm on 100 (milligrams, I think) and will gradually increase to the therapeutic dose of 250, if all goes as planned. I just wanted to give a quick update on my experience so far. Issues It is Intended to Treat Insomnia Paranoia Delusions Benefits so Far Mood stabilization - My mood fluctuates a lot less throughout the day. I did not realize that the amount that my mood changed independent of external circumstances was unusual, but it stays steady more now.  Insomnia Drastically Reduced - I fall asleep without trouble and only wake up 1-2 times per night. I have NEVER experienced that before. At first, it made me sleepy during the day, too, but melatonin and a little caffeine sorted out my sleep schedule well. Increased Focus Side Effects so Far Drowsiness - It puts me to sleep about 1-2 hours after I take it, and it's hard to wake up in the morning without caffeine. Nausea - I experience nausea ...