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Religiously Mentally Ill

I used to be very religious. I've talked about it before. I was Bible-thumping, evangelizing on the subway, spending all my time in churches, memorizing the Bible, all-in, 100% religious, and there's nothing inherently wrong with that. Not everyone who is religious is judgemental, or mentally ill, or prone to black-and-white thinking, but I was all of those things.

You see, being very religious didn't make my mental illness go away. One big symptom of my mental illness is trouble grasping reality, and, being immersed in the Christian religion, I used the Bible as a guide for what was real and what wasn't. This means that I lived in a reality where I heard God, angels, and demons, and saw them too, and I didn't seek help because I thought my experiences were real and literal.

Autism isn't a mental illness, but it leads to black-and-white thinking for me. During this time period, I didn't think I was allowed to have a personality or interests outside of my interest in spirituality. I reasoned that this most-important-thing should be all-encompassing. I spent all of my time and energy on it, neglecting food, sleep, work, school, and relationships. I was sure, for 7 years, that I was doing the right thing, even though my brand of faith differed from those around me in the Church.

Meanwhile, my mental illness quietly ruled my life. I booby-trapped my house every night and made peace with the belief that I wouldn't live to see morning. I learned to deal with the constant presence of angels and demons and the constant voices that accompanied my beliefs. Since I didn't have an identity of my own, outside of religion, I latched onto every interest that came by to an unhealthy degree, wearing hijab while I taught ESL, losing my ability to see when I made a blind friend, etc. I didn't know who I was.

I've already blogged about the next part, but, finding myself genuinely suicidal, I decided to take a step back from religion. I reasoned that, if there was an all-loving deity, it would understand the decision to try to be mentally okay.

Today, I'd call myself a soft agnostic. I wouldn't go as far as to say it's impossible to know what's true spiritually- just that I don't know, and I can't try to figure it out. 


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