.Being.Us

I used to be very religious. I've talked about it before. I was Bible-thumping, evangelizing on the subway, spending all my time in churches, memorizing the Bible, all-in, 100% religious, and there's nothing inherently wrong with that. Not everyone who is religious is judgemental, or mentally ill, or prone to black-and-white thinking, but I was all of those things. You see, being very religious didn't make my mental illness go away. One big symptom of my mental illness is trouble grasping reality, and, being immersed in the Christian religion, I used the Bible as a guide for what was real and what wasn't. This means that I lived in a reality where I heard God, angels, and demons, and saw them too, and I didn't seek help because I thought my experiences were real and literal. Autism isn't a mental illness, but it leads to black-and-white thinking for me. During this time period, I didn't think I was allowed to have a personality or interests outside of my...

I can't move, even to lift my eyelids. I'm only semi-aware of what's happening around me, but I'm fully awake, fully aware of my thoughts, and fully aware of what's happening to me. My therapist calls this a catatonic state, and it's happened to me in moments of extreme stress since I was a kid. It's been happening to me more often, though, lately, and it's easier to slip into this state when I'm both exhausted and delusional. I'm always resisting becoming delusional. I have intrusive thoughts 24-7, and I always have to think harder than neurotypical people to tell the difference between fantasy and reality. When I'm exhausted, I can't keep this up anymore, and the lines blur. Because the delusions I slip into are often terrifying, I can slip into a corresponding catatonic state. A catatonic state is not sleep paralysis. I'm awake before it happens. Sometimes, I'm chatting with friends in the car one moment and catatonic th...

I'm having a really awful psych day. People don't talk about the awful days openly when they involve things, like hallucinations and delusions, that are so heavily stigmatized. This can lead to those of us who experience those things feeling depressed, alone, ashamed, etc., though, and there's no shame in mental illness. That's why I'm making this post, describing my really crappy last few days. I don't need a trip to the hospital, yet, and I'm not in danger. I just want this to  be less stigmatized, and I want others who experience it to feel less alone. So, here's my last few days, copied from Tumblr. I might expand and explain better when I'm thinking more clearly. I’m having a really bad couple of psych days. I’m not by any means suicidal. That doesn’t really happen when I’m on Effexor. I love my life, and I want to live. I haven’t missed any psych meds, but I’m having auditory hallucinations of knocking coming from all directions, bu...