Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills Part 1

All posts in this series reflect working through DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition. All quotes come from this book unless otherwise noted. 

Deciding to Study Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills:

According to the book, the reason for practicing interpersonal effectiveness skills is to "be skillful in getting what you want and need from others", "build relationships and end destructive ones", and "walk the middle path".

There are some factors that can get in the way of interpersonal effectiveness: lacking the skills you need, not knowing what you want, being too emotional to be skillful, forgetting long-term goals because of what you want right now, "other people... getting in the way", and having thoughts and beliefs that get in the way.

The thoughts and beliefs that were getting in the way of me practicing interpersonal effectiveness skills were:

• "If I ask for something or say no, I can't stand if someone gets upset with me."
• "I should be willing to sacrifice my own needs for others."
• "Other people should like, approve of, and support me."
• "Everybody lies."

In light of realizing this, I added "It's okay if someone gets upset with me for asking for something or saying no," "No one is obligated to like, approve of, or support me," and "It is okay to meet my own needs first, then help others" to my daily sayings that I read before bed every night. 

Objectives Effectiveness:

Objectives effectiveness is about getting what you want or need from another person or saying no to a request. The first objectives effectiveness skill is DEARMAN. In ordinary interactions, when you are asking for something or saying no, practice DEARMAN as follows:

Describe the current SITUATION. Stick to the facts.

Express your FEELINGS and OPINIONS. The other person cannot read your mind.

Assert yourself. Clearly ASK or SAY NO.

Reinforce. Describe the positive consequences of going along with your request/ refusal.

Mindful. Stay focused on your goals. Repeat your request or saying no over and over, and ignore attacks and attempts to change the subject. 

Appear confident. Be EFFECTIVE.

Negotiate. Be willing to look for solutions and GIVE TO GET. 

In a particularly difficult interaction where this version of DEARMAN is ineffective, you can turn the discussion to how the current interaction is going with an altered D-E-A-R of the acronym. This part of the blog is taken largely from the book and is not my own idea.

Describe the CURRENT INTERACTION. Stick to the facts. "You keep asking me over and over, even though I have already said no several times." NOT  "You're obviously not listening to me!"
Express your FEELINGS and OPINIONS about the interaction "I'm finding it difficult to keep discussing this when I cannot do what you are asking for."
Assert WISHES. Suggest cooling down or resuming the interaction at a specific time.
Reinforce. Say that you may be able to come up with a better offer when you resume the conversation later.

 Relationship Effectiveness:

Relationship effectiveness is all about keeping the positive relationships in your life and ending the toxic ones. The relationship effectiveness skills can also show you the "how" for applying the "what" that is DEARMAN. One acronym for relationship effectiveness skills is GIVE, and I've made it into a graphic.

The book expands on what validating means. A lot of it, I learned in Peace Camp as a child, a camp focused on interpersonal communication, celebrating differences, and bullying prevention. You should pay attention to what the other person is saying, reflect back what you heard to make sure you understood correctly, try to understand where they are coming from and how their thoughts and reactions might make sense given the facts, acknowledge what is valid in their words and action, and show equality between you. The book also suggests that you use voice inflections, facial expressions, and body language to "read the other person's mind", but that seems inaccessible to me as an autistic person.

 Self-Respect Effectiveness:

Self-respect effectiveness skills are all about acting in a way that lets you maintain your self-respect and stick to your values in an interpersonal reaction. I've found a graphic on the internet that explains the acronym for self-respect effectiveness skills, FAST, well:

Found at: https://jumoke-omojola-lcsw-limhp.business.site/posts/1722121733862770604

The book expands further on the "No Apologies" section, and I really like it. It says:
Don't overapologize.
No apologizing for being alive or for making a request at all.
No apologies for having an opinion, for disagreeing.
No LOOKING ASHAMED, with eyes and head down or body slumped.
No invalidating the valid.

Bringing It All Together

All of these acronyms are used together in one interpersonal effectiveness acronym: DEARMAN, GIVE FAST, DEARMAN tells you how to get what you want or need, GIVE tells you how to maintain positive relationships in the process, and FAST tells you how to maintain your self-respect while you do it.  Stay tuned for another interpersonal effectiveness blog soon.