.Being.Us

I can't move, even to lift my eyelids. I'm only semi-aware of what's happening around me, but I'm fully awake, fully aware of my thoughts, and fully aware of what's happening to me. My therapist calls this a catatonic state, and it's happened to me in moments of extreme stress since I was a kid. It's been happening to me more often, though, lately, and it's easier to slip into this state when I'm both exhausted and delusional. I'm always resisting becoming delusional. I have intrusive thoughts 24-7, and I always have to think harder than neurotypical people to tell the difference between fantasy and reality. When I'm exhausted, I can't keep this up anymore, and the lines blur. Because the delusions I slip into are often terrifying, I can slip into a corresponding catatonic state. A catatonic state is not sleep paralysis. I'm awake before it happens. Sometimes, I'm chatting with friends in the car one moment and catatonic th...

I'm having a really awful psych day. People don't talk about the awful days openly when they involve things, like hallucinations and delusions, that are so heavily stigmatized. This can lead to those of us who experience those things feeling depressed, alone, ashamed, etc., though, and there's no shame in mental illness. That's why I'm making this post, describing my really crappy last few days. I don't need a trip to the hospital, yet, and I'm not in danger. I just want this to  be less stigmatized, and I want others who experience it to feel less alone. So, here's my last few days, copied from Tumblr. I might expand and explain better when I'm thinking more clearly. I’m having a really bad couple of psych days. I’m not by any means suicidal. That doesn’t really happen when I’m on Effexor. I love my life, and I want to live. I haven’t missed any psych meds, but I’m having auditory hallucinations of knocking coming from all directions, bu...