.Being.Us

I can't move, even to lift my eyelids. I'm only semi-aware of what's happening around me, but I'm fully awake, fully aware of my thoughts, and fully aware of what's happening to me. My therapist calls this a catatonic state, and it's happened to me in moments of extreme stress since I was a kid. It's been happening to me more often, though, lately, and it's easier to slip into this state when I'm both exhausted and delusional. I'm always resisting becoming delusional. I have intrusive thoughts 24-7, and I always have to think harder than neurotypical people to tell the difference between fantasy and reality. When I'm exhausted, I can't keep this up anymore, and the lines blur. Because the delusions I slip into are often terrifying, I can slip into a corresponding catatonic state. A catatonic state is not sleep paralysis. I'm awake before it happens. Sometimes, I'm chatting with friends in the car one moment and catatonic th...

I don't have enough spoons. If you know me well, you've probably heard me say this more than once. So, what do I mean? Spoon theory is used by some physically and mentally ill patients to describe energy levels. Basically, a spoon represents a certain amount of energy. Everyone starts the day with a certain number of spoons for the day. A healthy person would start with a higher number than a person with chronic or mental illness. Each task throughout the day takes a certain amount of energy, or number of spoons. Different tasks take different amounts of energy for different people. So, say a person with chronic illness starts the day with 21 spoons. Their day might look like this: Getting out of bed- 3 spoons Getting dressed- 5 spoons Hygiene- 7 spoons Important phone call- 6 spoons Now, they're out of spoons for the day. They might be able to take a break or nap and recover some spoons, but they might not. An abled person would start the day with more spo...

Earlier this week, I started on the medication  Seroquel . I'm on 100 (milligrams, I think) and will gradually increase to the therapeutic dose of 250, if all goes as planned. I just wanted to give a quick update on my experience so far. Issues It is Intended to Treat Insomnia Paranoia Delusions Benefits so Far Mood stabilization - My mood fluctuates a lot less throughout the day. I did not realize that the amount that my mood changed independent of external circumstances was unusual, but it stays steady more now.  Insomnia Drastically Reduced - I fall asleep without trouble and only wake up 1-2 times per night. I have NEVER experienced that before. At first, it made me sleepy during the day, too, but melatonin and a little caffeine sorted out my sleep schedule well. Increased Focus Side Effects so Far Drowsiness - It puts me to sleep about 1-2 hours after I take it, and it's hard to wake up in the morning without caffeine. Nausea - I experience nausea ...