.Being.Us

I write a lot about what is lost and gained in my being and my life by taking anti-psychotic, anti-depressant, and anti-anxiety medications, and this poem is no different. The biggest, life-changing things I've grasped hold of with the help of these medications are the ability to have stable, healthy relationships and the ability to survive, and I don't think I'd trade either of those things for the world (see my poem, Ten Hurricanes ). Without further ado, "Once, There Were Trees." Once, There Were Trees. *mic sounds* *deep voice in audience clears throat*  Is it really worth trading my creativity For the ability to leave the house? My passion For the ability to hold a “normal” conversation? My intellect and the way my brain makes connections that no one else can see For a lack of suicidality? What if I could fall into the nebulous violence of a forming star? What if I could see the spark that rebirths wood frogs every Spring? What if I could be myself again, eve...

There's no such thing as unskilled vs. skilled labor. Every job requires skills. Once, after my chronic pain had started but before I needed a wheelchair, I worked in a greenhouse in an "unskilled" job. I loved being surrounded by plants, even though they set off my allergies and asthma some. I was also a very hard worker- something the management complimented me on several times. Nobody there was hired on directly as an employee. We were all hired for a 2-week trial period, after which it would be decided if we were suitable for the Mother's Day rush or not.  After 2 weeks exactly, I was fired. I couldn't understand what had happened. I pushed through the pain as I hauled plants, climbed ladders, trimmed, watered, and arranged. I pushed through the sensory overload of the sound of the broom as I swept, mostly. I never complained once. I asked why I was being let go, and they cited 2 connected reasons. The first was that I hyper-focused on tasks and didn't not...

TW: Dermatillomania, trichotillomania Healing isn’t a binary measure of “already overcome” or “still suffering”. It’s a journey or a spectrum, and I still enjoy my life on that journey. -Ezekiel-Bethany (Zeke) I was 12 years old, smushed between 2 bookshelves at the back of my seventh-grade Advanced English class, the cool metal pressed against my skin. It was social time, and the movement and sounds from the other students were an overwhelming blur. I was autistic, but I didn’t know it yet. I also had trichotillomania. In distress, I grabbed a chunk of my hair and pulled it out, dropping it to the ground. And another. And another. No one paid me any attention, and I assume I stopped once social time ended and the students went to sit quietly at their desks. Trichotillomania is an impulse control disorder. It causes me to pull out the hair on my head and other parts of my body and be unable to stop, even when I want to. My trichotillomania started when I was a pre-teen, and it m...

TW: Psychiatric Medication I wrote this rough draft of a poem a few years ago for spoken word and never came back to edit it, but I really like it. To me, it represents finding the balance in my psychiatric medication and sort of losing myself by being over-medicated but losing my ability to maintain my relationships with people who matter to me by being under-medicated.     This is the time of day When the oceans roar The messy crash of salty waves is pain But the tearful surge is the herald of my reward   They're coming back My thoughts are riding on the clouds Where I used to live My wonderings crashing in the pattern of my name   Here comes the Storm   Boatless, I'm dead man's floating out to sea Will I go into that hurricane? Will I float until the waves lift me to the clouds, Not into the eye of the storm, but in the swirling winds?   The swirling of that storm is where I once discovered lightn...

All posts in this series reference working through DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition , and all quotes come from that book unless otherwise specified. Managing Really Difficult Emotions The next subsection of the emotional regulation section of the workbook is about managing really difficult emotions. This is broken down into three parts: mindfulness of current emotions, managing extreme emotions, and troubleshooting and review. Mindfulness of Current Emotions: The book recommends thinking of your emotion as a wave that ebbs and flows and imagining surfing the wave of your emotions. I have aphantasia and autism, and imagery and metaphor don't really work for me. However, the book also says you should practice mindfulness of your current emotion, noticing it without trying to increase it or decrease it, get rid of it or hold onto it. You should also pay attention to sensations in your body related to the emotion: where they're located and how l...

TW: Body changes, sexual changes, suicide mention   I started low-dose testosterone on February 1, 2016 . My step-dad had just taken his own life, and I felt the need to take control of mine. I was on testosterone for a long time before I was sure that I really wanted to be on it- that it was the decision that would reduce dysphoria the most for my nonbinary self. Part of this indecisiveness came from my autism; I've always had trouble making decisions due to being overwhelmed by the options and fearing regret. I talked a lot with my therapist about my uncertainty around testosterone, and the ongoing theme was that I was happy about the current changes; I was just afraid that I would regret future changes. So, I stayed on testosterone, reasoning that I could always go off of it if the changes started causing dysphoria from being too masculine. Since then, I've started trying my hand at online dating. Through answering the many, many questions on the sites, building my profil...

In this blog post, I will respond to each point in the Autistic Self Advocacy Network 's (ASAN's) "About Autism" resource ( https://autisticadvocacy.org/about-asan/about-autism/ ). I will be responding to describe how autism affects me, personally. Every autistic person is different. Thinking of autism as a sliding scale from high-functioning to low-functioning is not accurate. Each autistic person experiences the differences in processing that come with autism at varying intensities for each category of difference (sensory, communication, structure and routine, etc.). Life and daily circumstances can also change the intensity with which these differences are felt. First, ASAN gives some facts about autism: "Autism is a neurological variation that occurs in about one percent of the population and is classified as a developmental disability. Although it may be more common than previously thought, it is not a new condition and exists in all parts of the world, ...