Skip to main content

Once, There Were Trees.: A Poem

I write a lot about what is lost and gained in my being and my life by taking anti-psychotic, anti-depressant, and anti-anxiety medications, and this poem is no different. The biggest, life-changing things I've grasped hold of with the help of these medications are the ability to have stable, healthy relationships and the ability to survive, and I don't think I'd trade either of those things for the world (see my poem, Ten Hurricanes). Without further ado, "Once, There Were Trees."

Once, There Were Trees.

*mic sounds* *deep voice in audience clears throat* 

Is it really worth trading my creativity

For the ability to leave the house?

My passion

For the ability to hold a “normal” conversation?

My intellect and the way my brain makes connections that no one else can see

For a lack of suicidality?

What if I could fall into the nebulous violence of a forming star?

What if I could see the spark that rebirths wood frogs every Spring?

What if I could be myself again, even for a microsecond, a flash?

But I’m walking through quicksand.

My eyes are all squinty.

The staff say “Thank God” when doctors increase my meds

And I’m here just searching for a way to survive a barren landscape

But I remember

That once there were trees.

 

I still consider this poem to be a rough draft. Edits may be made to this blog, with notations in the comments or at the bottom to reflect that. Constructive criticism and any kind of feedback is welcome! 

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Depressed?

Am I depressed? I told my psychiatrist I wasn't at my last appointment because there are things that can pierce through the haze of mental illness and make me feel alive- poetry mostly. I asked my friends and family if there are things that make them feel alive, and a lot of them had long lists: time with loved ones, hiking, making art, making music, cooking, playing with pets... I have one thing, but I'm so grateful to have that thing. If you have something that makes you feel alive, hold onto it, and if there are days where depression is so thick, your one thing barely makes a dent, do it anyway. It's your secret weapon in an invisible war. But I digress. I told my psychiatrist I wasn't depressed because I can enjoy poetry, and it can make me feel alive. I can also sometimes enjoy my other hobbies. However, upon further reflection, I think I must be depressed because I can't do anything. I sleep 16 hours a day, but is that from depression or because I have tr...
Post a Comment
Read more

Change

This is a vent blog, but maybe it will give some insight into the types of changes that are hard as an autistic person: This week has been a barrage of change. I notice the tiny changes that I'm told allistics don't notice, and there were also a lot of bigger changes. First, I got a new student, which is a pretty common change; it happens about every 6 weeks. Then, I tried to do a lesson with an existing student, but our software wouldn’t work. Work told me the software had permanently discontinued service to our company, and I had to download and learn a new software, so I did. Several days later, though, they told me that the original software had been reinstated. This week, 4 lessons got rescheduled by students, my roommate was coming and going on a new schedule, and I was sleeping on a new bed. I started a new major project for work, and service techs came with noisy drills and disrupted my routines. I'm working way more hours than I can handle, and it's t...
Post a Comment
Read more

Increasing my Testosterone Dosage

TW: Body changes, sexual changes, suicide mention   I started low-dose testosterone on February 1, 2016 . My step-dad had just taken his own life, and I felt the need to take control of mine. I was on testosterone for a long time before I was sure that I really wanted to be on it- that it was the decision that would reduce dysphoria the most for my nonbinary self. Part of this indecisiveness came from my autism; I've always had trouble making decisions due to being overwhelmed by the options and fearing regret. I talked a lot with my therapist about my uncertainty around testosterone, and the ongoing theme was that I was happy about the current changes; I was just afraid that I would regret future changes. So, I stayed on testosterone, reasoning that I could always go off of it if the changes started causing dysphoria from being too masculine. Since then, I've started trying my hand at online dating. Through answering the many, many questions on the sites, building my profil...
Post a Comment
Read more