Skip to main content

Increasing my Testosterone Dosage

TW: Body changes, sexual changes, suicide mention
 
I started low-dose testosterone on February 1, 2016. My step-dad had just taken his own life, and I felt the need to take control of mine. I was on testosterone for a long time before I was sure that I really wanted to be on it- that it was the decision that would reduce dysphoria the most for my nonbinary self. Part of this indecisiveness came from my autism; I've always had trouble making decisions due to being overwhelmed by the options and fearing regret. I talked a lot with my therapist about my uncertainty around testosterone, and the ongoing theme was that I was happy about the current changes; I was just afraid that I would regret future changes. So, I stayed on testosterone, reasoning that I could always go off of it if the changes started causing dysphoria from being too masculine.
Since then, I've started trying my hand at online dating. Through answering the many, many questions on the sites, building my profile, and passing and liking various potential dates, I've learned a lot about what I'm looking for in a date, but I've also learned a lot about myself. I think that I was aiming for androgyny in my appearance because that's what I'm attracted to, and I wanted to feel attractive. However, the outside-matching-my-inside gender presentation is an effeminate man. I would still ID as nonbinary, but think I want a flat chest, facial hair, and a deeper voice. I think this would also give me the freedom to express my femininity without being misgendered. But I have some misgivings despite thinking about this constantly because, once again, autism makes decisions hard. There are moments when I'm certain this is what I want and moments when I'm scared, especially of how this might change my relationship with my dad. There are not moments when I do not want this, though. So, I'm going ahead with increasing my testosterone dosage. The prescription has already been sent to the pharmacy.
For this reason, I want to catalog where my changes are at before I up my dose of testosterone:

CW: Mentions of body changes, sexual changes
  • Cessation of menstruation- this happened 1 month on T, and I've had very light cycles when we switched delivery methods, but otherwise, it's remained stopped (Woot!)
  • Fat redistribution- all my curves went to my stomach
  • Increased appetite
  • Getting warm more easily/ cold less easily
  • Increased libido
  • Easier orgasm
  • Body hair
  • A little bottom growth
  • Some voice drop, still always read as female
  • Greatly improved mental health, especially around dysphoria and PMDD symptoms
  • Thicker fingers- drastic change in ring size
  • Hairline squaring
  • Facial masculinization
  • Lots of peach fuzz on face
  • Boobs flattened out (same size, though)
  • Weight gain
 I'm nervous and hopeful to see what changes are in store from here.

Labels

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I Ordered a Walker

lly have mixe    This is the model. I really have mixed feelings about this decision. I'm choosing to get the walker due to intense pain that's been worsening for about the last year. The cause turns out to be EDS , or at least that's what the doctors are saying. EDS is a connective tissue disorder that I don't yet fully understand, but it was explained to my that my connective tissue at my joints is too stretchy, and it's leading to my pain, fatigue, and susceptibility to joint injury. I was also provisionally diagnosed with POTS , in which blood pools in some areas while I'm seated or laying down, and my heart rate goes up too much trying to get the blood back to my heart and brain when I stand. If this process is inefficient enough, I can faint. Apparently, the doctor didn't do the proper testing for this, so I'm going to take this diagnosis with a grain of salt and just call it unexplained near-fainting episodes for now. Regardless of what causes...
2 comments
Read more

Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills Part 4

All posts in this series reference working through DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition , and all quotes come from that book unless otherwise specified. This blog post continues to chronicle my takeaways from the Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills section of my DBT workbook. Parts of this section either did not work for my autism or my agnosticism, but on the whole, I found it helpful. Dialectics The next section of interpersonal effectiveness skills is dialectics. Dialectics are all about balancing opposites. This has spiritual applications noted in the book (talk of the universe, etc.), but that doesn't work very well for me with trauma and psychosis surrounding spiritual things. However, dialectics can also help us see both sides of a situation, embrace change in our lives, be aware of our connection to others, and see that we are both impacted by and impacters on our environments. The book then lists some beliefs that are dialectics, and a few w...
Post a Comment
Read more

Dear Unnamed Friend

Dear unnamed friend, I carefully hoarded enough spoons to do the activity you suggested at the time you suggested. I went to bed super early and planned NOTHING for tomorrow to be able to do it. I just got discharged from psych this week, and the meds still aren’t all the way in my system, so I’m foggy-minded and emotional. I also woke up every 90 minutes last night for 30-45 minutes due to nightmares about the hospital that joined my normal nightmares. I told you I’d let you know around 9am today, when my alarm was set to sound, whether I could come to the 1pm event today, and I texted you that yes, I could come, but I needed to sleep until 10 to regain spoons. You texted me 4-5 times between 9:15 and 10, effectively cancelling any change I had to sleep, since it takes me at least 2 hours to wake all the way up. You tried to change the plans to pick me up around 10:15am, and I understand why. You were already in the area for something and didn’t want to drive all the w...
1 comment
Read more