TW: Body changes, sexual changes, suicide mention
I started low-dose testosterone on February 1, 2016. My step-dad had just taken his own life, and I felt the need to take control of mine. I was on testosterone for a long time before I was sure that I really wanted to be on it- that it was the decision that would reduce dysphoria the most for my nonbinary self. Part of this indecisiveness came from my autism; I've always had trouble making decisions due to being overwhelmed by the options and fearing regret. I talked a lot with my therapist about my uncertainty around testosterone, and the ongoing theme was that I was happy about the current changes; I was just afraid that I would regret future changes. So, I stayed on testosterone, reasoning that I could always go off of it if the changes started causing dysphoria from being too masculine.
Since then, I've started trying my hand at online dating. Through answering the many, many questions on the sites, building my profile, and passing and liking various potential dates, I've learned a lot about what I'm looking for in a date, but I've also learned a lot about myself. I think that I was aiming for androgyny in my appearance because that's what I'm attracted to, and I wanted to feel attractive. However, the outside-matching-my-inside gender presentation is an effeminate man. I would still ID as nonbinary, but think I want a flat chest, facial hair, and a deeper voice. I think this would also give me the freedom to express my femininity without being misgendered. But I have some misgivings despite thinking about this constantly because, once again, autism makes decisions hard. There are moments when I'm certain this is what I want and moments when I'm scared, especially of how this might change my relationship with my dad. There are not moments when I do not want this, though. So, I'm going ahead with increasing my testosterone dosage. The prescription has already been sent to the pharmacy.
For this reason, I want to catalog where my changes are at before I up my dose of testosterone:
CW: Mentions of body changes, sexual changes
I started low-dose testosterone on February 1, 2016. My step-dad had just taken his own life, and I felt the need to take control of mine. I was on testosterone for a long time before I was sure that I really wanted to be on it- that it was the decision that would reduce dysphoria the most for my nonbinary self. Part of this indecisiveness came from my autism; I've always had trouble making decisions due to being overwhelmed by the options and fearing regret. I talked a lot with my therapist about my uncertainty around testosterone, and the ongoing theme was that I was happy about the current changes; I was just afraid that I would regret future changes. So, I stayed on testosterone, reasoning that I could always go off of it if the changes started causing dysphoria from being too masculine.
Since then, I've started trying my hand at online dating. Through answering the many, many questions on the sites, building my profile, and passing and liking various potential dates, I've learned a lot about what I'm looking for in a date, but I've also learned a lot about myself. I think that I was aiming for androgyny in my appearance because that's what I'm attracted to, and I wanted to feel attractive. However, the outside-matching-my-inside gender presentation is an effeminate man. I would still ID as nonbinary, but think I want a flat chest, facial hair, and a deeper voice. I think this would also give me the freedom to express my femininity without being misgendered. But I have some misgivings despite thinking about this constantly because, once again, autism makes decisions hard. There are moments when I'm certain this is what I want and moments when I'm scared, especially of how this might change my relationship with my dad. There are not moments when I do not want this, though. So, I'm going ahead with increasing my testosterone dosage. The prescription has already been sent to the pharmacy.
For this reason, I want to catalog where my changes are at before I up my dose of testosterone:
CW: Mentions of body changes, sexual changes
- Cessation of menstruation- this happened 1 month on T, and I've had very light cycles when we switched delivery methods, but otherwise, it's remained stopped (Woot!)
- Fat redistribution- all my curves went to my stomach
- Increased appetite
- Getting warm more easily/ cold less easily
- Increased libido
- Easier orgasm
- Body hair
- A little bottom growth
- Some voice drop, still always read as female
- Greatly improved mental health, especially around dysphoria and PMDD symptoms
- Thicker fingers- drastic change in ring size
- Hairline squaring
- Facial masculinization
- Lots of peach fuzz on face
- Boobs flattened out (same size, though)
- Weight gain
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