.Being.Us

I used to be very religious. I've talked about it before. I was Bible-thumping, evangelizing on the subway, spending all my time in churches, memorizing the Bible, all-in, 100% religious, and there's nothing inherently wrong with that. Not everyone who is religious is judgemental, or mentally ill, or prone to black-and-white thinking, but I was all of those things. You see, being very religious didn't make my mental illness go away. One big symptom of my mental illness is trouble grasping reality, and, being immersed in the Christian religion, I used the Bible as a guide for what was real and what wasn't. This means that I lived in a reality where I heard God, angels, and demons, and saw them too, and I didn't seek help because I thought my experiences were real and literal. Autism isn't a mental illness, but it leads to black-and-white thinking for me. During this time period, I didn't think I was allowed to have a personality or interests outside of my...

First of all, let me introduce you to Coco . She's my 1-and-a-half-year-old service dog in training, and she's the light of my life     Even at her current level of training, she's made a huge difference in my life. It's possible for me to go outside now, or even to run to the nearby store for 1-2 items. I know when my asthma is acting up in time to properly medicate and avoid hospitalizations. She stops me from hurting myself by actively interrupting those behaviors and providing alternative stimulation. She helps with so many little things every day. Still, she's not fully-trained. Her biggest barriers are jumping on people who enter our home, her prey drive on walks, and chewing. She's also having trouble mastering retrieval. To be fair, the jumping and chewing are completely resolved when she's getting enough exercise, but, running at my maximum possible level doesn't give her what she needs in that department. Recently, I resolved to become ...

You're not attractive enough.  You don't make enough money. You need to be more popular. Modern life bombards us with messages like this, and it's almost impossible to never internalize any of them. With mental illness, though, thoughts like these can be persistent, even constant, and intrusive. Sometimes, they even come as an audible voice. Some therapists recommend re-framing these repetitive ideas in positive language. That only works for me if the positive language seems just as true as the negative. In this blog, I'm going to share some of the persistent negative thoughts that I've re-framed and the positive spins that have replaced them, but I'm also going to share some ideas that I haven't been able to spin in a both true and positive light.   I've managed to re-frame the following thoughts in a positive light: My mental health may never feel good enough.  has become My mental health is a work in progress. It's better than it us...

Grounding techniques are an important part of my repertoire of coping strategies.They help me combat: Dissociation , including depersonalization (feeling out of touch with myself) and derealization (feeling out of touch with my surroundings).  The intrusive memories and flashbacks common to PTSD and the difficulty I have telling whether I'm awake or dreaming. Anxiety- Some people also find that grounding techniques help them in the grips of anxiety or an anxiety attack , although I can only use them to calm down after-the-fact.   There are a myriad of grounding techniques, but I want to share some of the ones I've tried, in hopes that they might help someone else.  Listing Things - I list everything in a certain category, like "science," that starts with each letter of the alphabet. It doesn't help with dissociation, but it helps a lot with anxiety.  Counting - Counting by a number that doesn't come easily, like 2.4's, occupies my mind and comba...

As you've probably gathered from my blog, I'm a disabled human trying to get by while I wait for my hearing for SSI. I can and do work from home less than 7 hours a week without jeopardizing my health. In this post, I'm going to share some links to confirm who I am, as well as some links where you can help me out, either by sending things I need (no address required) or by sending cash. About me: Who I am My Service Dog   About Autism About Mental Illness   How to Help: Donate on PayPal   Send items I need   Send items my service dog needs     In my fight for benefits, we have gotten Food Stamps and Medicaid approved, which are major steps in the right direction. I take around 20 medications due to chronic illness and mental illness. I can swing rent about 2/3 months and utilities every month. Help with the 1/3 of months when I can't swing rent and the household items and toiletries on my wish lists is never mandatory but always appr...

There's no thermometer for mental illness. When a symptom is concerning me, I can't get a CT scan to determine what degree of intervention is needed for the injury or illness. I have to use my better judgement, and, since mental illness and my better judgement are both in my mind, that's not the most reliable. Sometimes, I underestimate the severity of a symptom, and I end up hurting myself or doing unusual things, like drawing strings of letters on our doors and light switches to "keep the monsters out." People get upset with me for not seeking professional help soon enough in these instances. Other times, though, a symptom concerns me, and I opt to go to the hospital, where I'm told I'm "borderline" or "attention seeking," which I'm not. I'm there for a very specific symptom, and since my psychiatrist's office doesn't have urgent appointments, I have to either tough it out for a long time or seek emergency care. Th...

I can't move, even to lift my eyelids. I'm only semi-aware of what's happening around me, but I'm fully awake, fully aware of my thoughts, and fully aware of what's happening to me. My therapist calls this a catatonic state, and it's happened to me in moments of extreme stress since I was a kid. It's been happening to me more often, though, lately, and it's easier to slip into this state when I'm both exhausted and delusional. I'm always resisting becoming delusional. I have intrusive thoughts 24-7, and I always have to think harder than neurotypical people to tell the difference between fantasy and reality. When I'm exhausted, I can't keep this up anymore, and the lines blur. Because the delusions I slip into are often terrifying, I can slip into a corresponding catatonic state. A catatonic state is not sleep paralysis. I'm awake before it happens. Sometimes, I'm chatting with friends in the car one moment and catatonic th...