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I'm Here; I'm Visible: International Transgender Day of Visibility

CW: internalized transphobia, dysphoria

March 31st every year is International Day of Transgender Day of Visibility. A sister to Transgender Day of Remembrance, the Day of Visibility is a day of empowerment, celebrating the accomplishments of the transgender community and fighting against discrimination.

This year, I've avoided talking and thinking about my gender much more than in the past, so, instead of a more traditional Day of Visibility post, I'm going to explore that a little. I think there are a number of reasons I don't talk about my gender identity as much as I used to:
  1. Not talking about it helps me ignore my gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria is "a condition where a person experiences discomfort or distress because there's a mismatch between their biological sex and gender identity," (-Nation Health Service UK) and I've found that avoiding the topic of gender helps me avoid the most painful of the dysphoric feelings.
  2. I don't want to seem obsessed and be taken less seriously as a result of talking about my gender "too much". When I was first figuring out my gender identity, it became a special interest (a passionate, focused interest that developed as a facet of my autism), and I talked about it all the time. I was figuring myself out. Knowing how I'd cycled through special interests in the past, my family took my gender identity less seriously as a result of this narrow focus, and I worked to reign back how much I talked about it to them. 
  3. I have trouble with unscripted communication. [Autistic folks often script what to say in response to social situations ahead of time because social dialogue doesn't come naturally to us.] I don't have a gender identity that fits easily into binary boxes or fits well into the traditional narrative, and I'm not verbally eloquent to defend it when unexpectedly challenged.
  4. I can't present how I want. I cannot bind because it exacerbates by asthma and contributes to subluxations from my joint hypermobility syndrome. I'm also in a constant debate in my mind about whether testosterone, which I've been taking for a bit over 2 years, is helping me be less dysphoric or not. That's a complicated question because my gender comfort zone socially is somewhere in the middle, where I can pass as both male and female easily. I also have body dysphoria, which testosterone has helped to alleviate, but I feel that the over-masculinization of my body would also produce body dysphoria.  
It's my right to be private about my transgender journey. People don't automatically have the right to know information about trans people's transitions just because they're curious. However, I can also think of some reasons why it would be good to talk about my gender identity and transition more.
  1. It's healthy to face your feelings. Never talking about dysphoria and pretending it's not a big part of how I'm feeling can't be healthy. It would be good to work through those feelings. 
  2. The trans community is wonderful. Some of the best friends I've made I found when I was plugged into the trans community. We've got to be there for each other. 
  3. My story can be a resource for others. I've been helped immensely by trans bloggers and vloggers who share what they're going through in their transitions, and I'm sure my transition could be similarly relatable to other trans and gender non-conforming folks.
Thanks for joining me for my very personal musings on my gender journey. If you need someone to talk to about your gender identity, dysphoria, or a related topic, a great resource is the Trans Lifeline at 877-565-8860 in the US.
 

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