Skip to main content

I am an Inconsistent Employee

"I'm taking lessons with you because my friend took lessons with you last month, and he said you're the best instructor in [company name omitted]. He highly recommended you, and, when I saw that he got high scores on his exam, I was encouraged to contact you."
That's what a new student told me this morning, and, to be honest, I was surprised.

It's not that I'm a bad teacher. My unique way of thinking seems to work very well for most students, actually. Because my brain translates most things into the kind of thought-process involved in mathematical proofs, I'm able to assess a student's strengths and weaknesses and customize the curriculum for their needs as we go. My mind also works very systematically, which means that I present the material clearly and thoroughly, highlighting the "why" behind my recommendations. This also lets me provide detailed written feedback on each lesson.

I'm not a bad teacher, but I'm inconsistent. Autism, chronic illnesses, and mental illness get in the way of being the reliable employee that I want to be. Sometimes, I miss lessons due to asthma preventing lengthy speech, seizure-like spells, migraines, or total exhaustion (beyond normal tiredness). Other times, I open everything for class and sit at my computer but either panic and leave before the lesson starts or partway through the lesson. Still other times, autism has thrown me into a meltdown, sensory overload, shutdown, or semi-verbal spell that prevents me from doing my job. Finally, executive dysfunction can get so bad that I forget the lesson, come to the lesson but cannot operate my computer to log in/do anything, log in but cannot think enough to open the material, or set everything up but cannot think enough to give clear/coherent instruction.


I don't usually tell my students this. Despite my qualms about lying, I follow my work's recommendation that I blame the inconsistency on technical issues and other benign causes most of the time. Most students are surprisingly accommodating, although some, understandably, are not.

Honestly, I feel really guilty about my inconsistency, even though I know I do my best. I moved to the city in which I now live 2 years ago and started working intensely with a new team of doctors and mental health professionals to try to stabilize myself enough to work full-time. I truly thought that with enough effort and intervention, I could do anything I wanted. After 2 years, my team is telling me that's probably not the case. They are shifting their recommendations from workplace accommodations to SSI with part-time work of no more than around 10 hours per week from home.

I love what I do, and, even though there's no shame in having a disability, I'm still working through a lot of internalized ableism and guilt.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Autism and Teaching English

In many ways, autism makes me a good teacher. I explain things clearly and systematically. I keep detailed notes on each student because I have to do so to remember. I have formulas for everything and provide data-based feedback on student progress after every lesson. It also makes me a good English as a Second Language teacher. I pinpoint specific, recurring issues in students' speaking (accent, pronunciation, and oral fluency) and take a structured approach to addressing these issues. I do the same with academic writing (structure, grammar, vocabulary, spelling, coherence and cohesion). However, it makes me a lousy literature teacher. I'm good at poetry, but stories are not my thing. I take them at face value. It's hard for me to see symbolism behind the words. A story about talking rabbits ( Watership Down ) is, to me, just about the talking rabbits, and I'm totally into the narrative of those rabbits. I also cannot empathize with character emotions unless I...
Post a Comment
Read more

Distress Tolerance Skills Part 3: When the Crisis is Addiction

All posts in this series reference working through  DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition , and all quotes come from that book unless otherwise specified. To learn more about distress tolerance skills as a whole, why they are important, and the goals the book sets forth for studying them, click  here .  The Distress Tolerance Skills section of the book is divided into two main types of handouts: Crisis Survival and Reality Acceptance. There will also be some material for "When the Crisis is Addiction". This blog will cover "When the Crisis is Addiction". Everyone Has Addictions: In this section, the book first makes the point that everyone has addictions. It lists everything from alcohol and drugs to spiritual practices as potential things to which someone could be addicted. For me, I will be working through this section with regards to self harm.  Dialectical Abstinence: The second subsection of addiction distress tolerance ski...
Post a Comment
Read more

Increasing my Testosterone Dosage

TW: Body changes, sexual changes, suicide mention   I started low-dose testosterone on February 1, 2016 . My step-dad had just taken his own life, and I felt the need to take control of mine. I was on testosterone for a long time before I was sure that I really wanted to be on it- that it was the decision that would reduce dysphoria the most for my nonbinary self. Part of this indecisiveness came from my autism; I've always had trouble making decisions due to being overwhelmed by the options and fearing regret. I talked a lot with my therapist about my uncertainty around testosterone, and the ongoing theme was that I was happy about the current changes; I was just afraid that I would regret future changes. So, I stayed on testosterone, reasoning that I could always go off of it if the changes started causing dysphoria from being too masculine. Since then, I've started trying my hand at online dating. Through answering the many, many questions on the sites, building my profil...
Post a Comment
Read more