Skip to main content

I am an Inconsistent Employee

"I'm taking lessons with you because my friend took lessons with you last month, and he said you're the best instructor in [company name omitted]. He highly recommended you, and, when I saw that he got high scores on his exam, I was encouraged to contact you."
That's what a new student told me this morning, and, to be honest, I was surprised.

It's not that I'm a bad teacher. My unique way of thinking seems to work very well for most students, actually. Because my brain translates most things into the kind of thought-process involved in mathematical proofs, I'm able to assess a student's strengths and weaknesses and customize the curriculum for their needs as we go. My mind also works very systematically, which means that I present the material clearly and thoroughly, highlighting the "why" behind my recommendations. This also lets me provide detailed written feedback on each lesson.

I'm not a bad teacher, but I'm inconsistent. Autism, chronic illnesses, and mental illness get in the way of being the reliable employee that I want to be. Sometimes, I miss lessons due to asthma preventing lengthy speech, seizure-like spells, migraines, or total exhaustion (beyond normal tiredness). Other times, I open everything for class and sit at my computer but either panic and leave before the lesson starts or partway through the lesson. Still other times, autism has thrown me into a meltdown, sensory overload, shutdown, or semi-verbal spell that prevents me from doing my job. Finally, executive dysfunction can get so bad that I forget the lesson, come to the lesson but cannot operate my computer to log in/do anything, log in but cannot think enough to open the material, or set everything up but cannot think enough to give clear/coherent instruction.


I don't usually tell my students this. Despite my qualms about lying, I follow my work's recommendation that I blame the inconsistency on technical issues and other benign causes most of the time. Most students are surprisingly accommodating, although some, understandably, are not.

Honestly, I feel really guilty about my inconsistency, even though I know I do my best. I moved to the city in which I now live 2 years ago and started working intensely with a new team of doctors and mental health professionals to try to stabilize myself enough to work full-time. I truly thought that with enough effort and intervention, I could do anything I wanted. After 2 years, my team is telling me that's probably not the case. They are shifting their recommendations from workplace accommodations to SSI with part-time work of no more than around 10 hours per week from home.

I love what I do, and, even though there's no shame in having a disability, I'm still working through a lot of internalized ableism and guilt.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dear Unnamed Friend

Dear unnamed friend, I carefully hoarded enough spoons to do the activity you suggested at the time you suggested. I went to bed super early and planned NOTHING for tomorrow to be able to do it. I just got discharged from psych this week, and the meds still aren’t all the way in my system, so I’m foggy-minded and emotional. I also woke up every 90 minutes last night for 30-45 minutes due to nightmares about the hospital that joined my normal nightmares. I told you I’d let you know around 9am today, when my alarm was set to sound, whether I could come to the 1pm event today, and I texted you that yes, I could come, but I needed to sleep until 10 to regain spoons. You texted me 4-5 times between 9:15 and 10, effectively cancelling any change I had to sleep, since it takes me at least 2 hours to wake all the way up. You tried to change the plans to pick me up around 10:15am, and I understand why. You were already in the area for something and didn’t want to drive all the w...
1 comment
Read more

Distress Tolerance Skills Part 1: Crisis Survival Skills

All posts in this series reference working through DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition , and all quotes come from that book unless otherwise specified. Goals of Distress Tolerance: Distress tolerance skills are important because distress is always going to be a part of life, and fighting against that fact causes more suffering. Distress is also part of making any change in ourselves, and if we shy away from that pain, we will be unable to progress. The Distress Tolerance Skills section of the book will be divided into two main types of handouts: Crisis Survival and Reality Acceptance. There will also be some material for "When the Crisis is Addiction". This blog will cover crisis survival skills. The distress tolerance section has 3 main goals: "Survive crisis situations without making them worse Accept reality Replace suffering and being "stuck" with ordinary pain and the possibility of moving forward Become free of having t...
Post a Comment
Read more

Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills Part 1

All posts in this series reflect working through  DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition . All quotes come from this book unless otherwise noted.  Deciding to Study Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills: According to the book, the reason for practicing interpersonal effectiveness skills is to "be skillful in getting what you want and need from others", "build relationships and end destructive ones", and "walk the middle path". There are some factors that can get in the way of interpersonal effectiveness: lacking the skills you need, not knowing what you want, being too emotional to be skillful, forgetting long-term goals because of what you want right now, "other people... getting in the way", and having thoughts and beliefs that get in the way. The thoughts and beliefs that were getting in the way of me practicing interpersonal effectiveness skills were: "If I ask for something or say no, I can't stand if so...
Post a Comment
Read more