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I am an Inconsistent Employee

"I'm taking lessons with you because my friend took lessons with you last month, and he said you're the best instructor in [company name omitted]. He highly recommended you, and, when I saw that he got high scores on his exam, I was encouraged to contact you."
That's what a new student told me this morning, and, to be honest, I was surprised.

It's not that I'm a bad teacher. My unique way of thinking seems to work very well for most students, actually. Because my brain translates most things into the kind of thought-process involved in mathematical proofs, I'm able to assess a student's strengths and weaknesses and customize the curriculum for their needs as we go. My mind also works very systematically, which means that I present the material clearly and thoroughly, highlighting the "why" behind my recommendations. This also lets me provide detailed written feedback on each lesson.

I'm not a bad teacher, but I'm inconsistent. Autism, chronic illnesses, and mental illness get in the way of being the reliable employee that I want to be. Sometimes, I miss lessons due to asthma preventing lengthy speech, seizure-like spells, migraines, or total exhaustion (beyond normal tiredness). Other times, I open everything for class and sit at my computer but either panic and leave before the lesson starts or partway through the lesson. Still other times, autism has thrown me into a meltdown, sensory overload, shutdown, or semi-verbal spell that prevents me from doing my job. Finally, executive dysfunction can get so bad that I forget the lesson, come to the lesson but cannot operate my computer to log in/do anything, log in but cannot think enough to open the material, or set everything up but cannot think enough to give clear/coherent instruction.


I don't usually tell my students this. Despite my qualms about lying, I follow my work's recommendation that I blame the inconsistency on technical issues and other benign causes most of the time. Most students are surprisingly accommodating, although some, understandably, are not.

Honestly, I feel really guilty about my inconsistency, even though I know I do my best. I moved to the city in which I now live 2 years ago and started working intensely with a new team of doctors and mental health professionals to try to stabilize myself enough to work full-time. I truly thought that with enough effort and intervention, I could do anything I wanted. After 2 years, my team is telling me that's probably not the case. They are shifting their recommendations from workplace accommodations to SSI with part-time work of no more than around 10 hours per week from home.

I love what I do, and, even though there's no shame in having a disability, I'm still working through a lot of internalized ableism and guilt.
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