.Being.Us

I don't have enough spoons. If you know me well, you've probably heard me say this more than once. So, what do I mean? Spoon theory is used by some physically and mentally ill patients to describe energy levels. Basically, a spoon represents a certain amount of energy. Everyone starts the day with a certain number of spoons for the day. A healthy person would start with a higher number than a person with chronic or mental illness. Each task throughout the day takes a certain amount of energy, or number of spoons. Different tasks take different amounts of energy for different people. So, say a person with chronic illness starts the day with 21 spoons. Their day might look like this: Getting out of bed- 3 spoons Getting dressed- 5 spoons Hygiene- 7 spoons Important phone call- 6 spoons Now, they're out of spoons for the day. They might be able to take a break or nap and recover some spoons, but they might not. An abled person would start the day with more spo...

Often, when people find out I deal with mental illness , chronic illness, or autism , they express how sorry they are. This feels strange, like I'm defective in some way, and they wish they could change me, like I'm not loveable as I am. I know that's not what they're trying to express. Sometimes, I do wish I could change me. Mental illness is especially hard. Even though I know there's no shame in having a mental illness, and it's not something I can overcome by sheer willpower, sometimes, I feel ashamed not to be able to will it away. There are days when, no matter how hard I try, I cannot do the very important things that need done, and the only block is an illness in my own mind. There are nights when I cannot logic away delusions or talk down paranoia enough to take my dog out. There are times when I do things during a mental health episode that I come to regret later. This all gets even harder to judge with chronic physical illnesses and autism mixed in;...

Content warnings: Venting, Medical Records, SSI, Psychiatry Content in this blog represents my own personal opinions and experiences. So, story time: I need SSI paperwork completed by my psychiatrist's office immediately, or it could add a whole year to my wait. It's the only office that hasn't turned in the SSI paperwork, yet. They emailed me today and said that they will not do it because I "haven't seen my current psychiatrist 4-6 times," and it is department policy that I do so before paperwork is completed. I've been with my psychiatrist's office for around 2 years. It's part of a major hospital network in my city, and they've had some turnover in the department during my time with them. My first psychiatrist,  Dr. Vaka , was okay. He didn't really get  autism, but he worked with me until we found meds that helped me. He also listened to me, even though I had a lot more trouble communicating when I started to see him than I d...

"I'm taking lessons with you because my friend took lessons with you last month, and he said you're the best instructor in [company name omitted]. He highly recommended you, and, when I saw that he got high scores on his exam, I was encouraged to contact you." That's what a new student told me this morning, and, to be honest, I was surprised. It's not that I'm a bad teacher. My unique way of thinking seems to work very well for most students, actually. Because my brain translates most things into the kind of thought-process involved in mathematical proofs, I'm able to assess a student's strengths and weaknesses and customize the curriculum for their needs as we go. My mind also works very systematically, which means that I present the material clearly and thoroughly, highlighting the "why" behind my recommendations. This also lets me provide detailed written feedback on each lesson. I'm not a bad teacher, but I'm inconsisten...

      Sleep is a difficult thing to come by, and it's not just me. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have categorized insufficient sleep as a "public health problem" due to its prevalence and consequences. Among those consequences are difficulty concentrating, remembering, participating in hobbies, driving or taking public transportation, managing finances, and/or working. [ Source ] Problems with sleep are even more common in people, like me, who are autistic, mentally ill, chronically ill, or trauma survivors. This is especially frustrating since many of us already struggle with concentration, memory, travel, finances, work, etc. Sometimes, pain, cluster headaches, or asthma keep me from sleeping at night. Here's what cluster headaches look like: They feel a lot like migraines for me but are accompanied by restlessness. Other times, it's flashbacks, nightmares, paranoia or delusions that get in the way. I'm also a really light sleep...