.Being.Us

TW: Psychiatric Medication I wrote this rough draft of a poem a few years ago for spoken word and never came back to edit it, but I really like it. To me, it represents finding the balance in my psychiatric medication and sort of losing myself by being over-medicated but losing my ability to maintain my relationships with people who matter to me by being under-medicated.     This is the time of day When the oceans roar The messy crash of salty waves is pain But the tearful surge is the herald of my reward   They're coming back My thoughts are riding on the clouds Where I used to live My wonderings crashing in the pattern of my name   Here comes the Storm   Boatless, I'm dead man's floating out to sea Will I go into that hurricane? Will I float until the waves lift me to the clouds, Not into the eye of the storm, but in the swirling winds?   The swirling of that storm is where I once discovered lightn...

I'm having a really awful psych day. People don't talk about the awful days openly when they involve things, like hallucinations and delusions, that are so heavily stigmatized. This can lead to those of us who experience those things feeling depressed, alone, ashamed, etc., though, and there's no shame in mental illness. That's why I'm making this post, describing my really crappy last few days. I don't need a trip to the hospital, yet, and I'm not in danger. I just want this to  be less stigmatized, and I want others who experience it to feel less alone. So, here's my last few days, copied from Tumblr. I might expand and explain better when I'm thinking more clearly. I’m having a really bad couple of psych days. I’m not by any means suicidal. That doesn’t really happen when I’m on Effexor. I love my life, and I want to live. I haven’t missed any psych meds, but I’m having auditory hallucinations of knocking coming from all directions, bu...

Content warnings: Venting, Medical Records, SSI, Psychiatry Content in this blog represents my own personal opinions and experiences. So, story time: I need SSI paperwork completed by my psychiatrist's office immediately, or it could add a whole year to my wait. It's the only office that hasn't turned in the SSI paperwork, yet. They emailed me today and said that they will not do it because I "haven't seen my current psychiatrist 4-6 times," and it is department policy that I do so before paperwork is completed. I've been with my psychiatrist's office for around 2 years. It's part of a major hospital network in my city, and they've had some turnover in the department during my time with them. My first psychiatrist,  Dr. Vaka , was okay. He didn't really get  autism, but he worked with me until we found meds that helped me. He also listened to me, even though I had a lot more trouble communicating when I started to see him than I d...

People with vision disorders often have a sort of sixth sense that enables them to tell when something is in front of them. This sense can be developed intentionally over time in sighted people, as well. The sensation is something like feeling the object in front of your face as a force. Scientists say that we are actually using echos and sounds to locate things when we perceive distance that way. Although I am by no means blind, I have some vision disorders, as well as headaches that come with extreme light sensitivity, and I have developed this sense over time. That's actually really cool, but it does create some different needs for me regarding personal space when coupled with autism, PTSD, and anxiety. For me, autism means experiencing things around me more intensely than neurotypical people do. Specifically, I'm more aware/hyperaware of things near me because my brain does not “tune out” or “filter” sensory input to select what’s important very well. Also, my feeling of ...