I am Native, I am White: A Poem

Since I moved to the city and lost my in-person ties to the culture that was a part of my childhood, I've been grappling with my identity and place in the world and my community as a person who is both Native (Cherokee and Apache) and White. Native American Heritage Day seemed like an appropriate time to open up about that struggle. Here's a poem I've been sitting on that I'm still not 100% sure I want to be sharing, honestly, but here goes.

I am Native, I am White

As much as I am Native

I am also White

And I cannot deny

That White blood

Flows in my veins

As much as Cherokee

As much as Apache.

As much as I was raised with Blackfeet traditions,

I was raised with White Man’s ones.

Only how can I reconcile

That one part of me

Has done so much harm

To the other:

Broken treaties

Broken Bodies

Broken Lives

Children Ripped from parents

Sent to boarding schools

Where cultures and languages

I love were stamped out.

Trail of Tears.

Blood percentages are a weapon of colonization

But if I am wholly Native

Then I am wholly White

And wholly responsible

For the privilege

Biases, and violence therein

I am wholly Native

I am wholly White

I do not see myself at peace

I see myself ripping apart

The structures within myself

That have enabled generations of violence

And then turning that fervent

Energy outward

As much as I am Native

I am also White

And I will apply the energy of two Peoples

To ending the violence

That has endured for generations

Comments

Dear Unnamed Friend

Dear unnamed friend, I carefully hoarded enough spoons to do the activity you suggested at the time you suggested. I went to bed super early and planned NOTHING for tomorrow to be able to do it. I just got discharged from psych this week, and the meds still aren’t all the way in my system, so I’m foggy-minded and emotional. I also woke up every 90 minutes last night for 30-45 minutes due to nightmares about the hospital that joined my normal nightmares. I told you I’d let you know around 9am today, when my alarm was set to sound, whether I could come to the 1pm event today, and I texted you that yes, I could come, but I needed to sleep until 10 to regain spoons. You texted me 4-5 times between 9:15 and 10, effectively cancelling any change I had to sleep, since it takes me at least 2 hours to wake all the way up. You tried to change the plans to pick me up around 10:15am, and I understand why. You were already in the area for something and didn’t want to drive all the w...

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