Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills Part 4

All posts in this series reference working through DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition, and all quotes come from that book unless otherwise specified.

This blog post continues to chronicle my takeaways from the Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills section of my DBT workbook. Parts of this section either did not work for my autism or my agnosticism, but on the whole, I found it helpful.

Dialectics

The next section of interpersonal effectiveness skills is dialectics. Dialectics are all about balancing opposites. This has spiritual applications noted in the book (talk of the universe, etc.), but that doesn't work very well for me with trauma and psychosis surrounding spiritual things. However, dialectics can also help us see both sides of a situation, embrace change in our lives, be aware of our connection to others, and see that we are both impacted by and impacters on our environments.

The book then lists some beliefs that are dialectics, and a few were particularly meaningful to me:

• "You can share some things with others and keep some things private."
• "You can accept yourself the way you are and still want to change. You can accept others the way they are and still want them to change.

The book also lists some important opposites to balance in life, and I've highlighted one, plus added one of my own:

• Working on improving yourself and accepting yourself exactly as you are
• Respecting your limitations and challenging yourself

Validation

Validation is the next book topic. I don't have a good definition for validation, but I do know when and how it should be applied. Validation includes seeking out and acknowledging whatever truth you can find in the other person's point of view and acknowledging that their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors have causes and are valid. It is also important to validate someone's suffering and difficulties. Validating doesn't mean that you have to agree with someone or validate things that are not valid. Validating can help improve relationship effectiveness and deescalate a conversation/ prevent it from escalating. Remember than even invalid responses make sense in some way.

The book then offers "A 'How To' Guide to Validation". My reflections on the steps are below:

1.    Pay attention. This step emphasizes not multitasking, making eye contact, and responding with your facial expressions. All of these things are difficult for me due to my autism, but I can still pay attention to what others are saying.
2. Reflect Back. This is the way I am able to show that I am paying attention. With a non-judgemental tone, reflect back what you think the person said, and check that you understood them correctly. 
3. "Read Minds". "Pay attention to facial expressions, body language, what is happening, and what you know about the person already. Show that you understand by your words or by your actions. Be open to correction." This step is hard for me as well, due to my autism. 
4. Understand. You don't have to approve of what the other person is saying or doing, but it is helpful to look for how their actions and words make sense given the circumstances, their history, and their pre-existing vulnerabilities. 
5. Acknowledge the valid. Acknowledge a person's feelings, thoughts, suffering, difficulties, and the kernel of truth in what they're saying as valid. Don't validate the invalid. Remember, validating doesn't mean you like it or agree!
6. Show equality."Be yourself! Don't try to 'one-up' or 'one-down' the other person. Treat the other as an equal, not as fragile or incompetent."

Recovering from Invalidation

Invalidation can be really painful, and I know it can put me on the defensive. However, according to the book, it can sometimes be helpful, too. This is true when:

1. Your facts are wrong, and someone is correcting your mistake.
2. You are experiencing personal growth by seeing multiple points of view.

The rest of the time, invalidation really hurts, especially in instances when:

1. "You are being ignored.
2. You are...being repeatedly misunderstood.
3. You are being misread.
4. You are being misinterpreted.
5. Important facts in your life are ignored or denied. 
6. You are receiving unequal treatment. 
7. You are disbelieved when being truthful.
8. Your private experiences are trivialized or denied."

When you are invalidated, you should avoid becoming defensive and check that your facts are correct. If they are, "validate yourself exactly the way you would validate someone else." To me, that looks like this:

1. Pay attention -> Observe what you are thinking and feeling and what is happening with your body
2. Reflect Back -> Describe your thoughts and feelings and label them as a thought or feeling, e.g. "I feel angry and embarrassed that I was misinterpreted after explaining myself repeatedly."
   
3. "Read Minds". Pay attention to your own facial expressions, body language, what is happening, and what you know about yourself already
4. Understand. Look for how your feelings and reactions and make sense given the events that led up to them, your history, and your preexisting vulnerability factors.
5. Acknowledge the valid. Acknowledge your own feelings, thoughts, suffering, difficulties, and the kernel of truth in what you're saying as valid. Don't validate the invalid.
6. Show equality."Be yourself! Don't compare yourself to another person. Don't treat yourself as fragile or incompetent. 

The next subsection of the interpersonal effectiveness section is on changing behaviors, and I skipped that section for now.