CW: Rape, abuse, suicidal ideation, Christianity, religion
I'm writing this blog to process through my feelings about a recurring dream I have in which I return to my old church for a visit and am shunned by the people there who used to be my friends.
I used to be heavily involved in the Church. When I converted to Christianity at 15, I took it for granted that God would talk to me and was hailed as a prophet by some in my church as I "heard from Him." When I hit 18, I found other people who believed God still talked and worked among people today, and I became heavily involved in the Charismatic Church movement. I continued to be involved in this for several years. I even went to college for a year on track to be ordained as a minister and leave as a missionary at the end of my schooling. When I transferred to another school, I changed my major to Teaching English as a Second Language with the same goal in mind.
At age 22, with my Associate's Degree in hand, I fled abuse and moved to a new town to start work. My step-dad died unexpectedly, and I was raped soon after and was coping poorly. I was going to the train tracks several times a week and contemplating jumping in front of the trains. A big part of my angst came from trying to do the right thing and falling into sin repeatedly, something everyone struggles with. My sexuality and gender identity also didn't match up with the parameters set by the religion I was trying to follow, and it was tearing me up inside. Eventually, I decided that, in order to not commit suicide, I needed to take a step back from religion, and if there was a god, he/she/it would understand and would see me through the other side of the crisis.
After I stepped back from Christianity, I had to figure out who I was all over again. Since I converted to Christianity at age 15, I had endeavored to erase every aspect of my identity but my religion; that included my interests, my clothing preferences, even my food preferences. As I started to find myself again, I became more in touch with the fact that I am transgender (nonbinary, on testosterone), asexual, and queer. These things have always been true, but I worked hard to suppress them when I was Christian.
From the outside, to the members of my old churches, it probably looks like I got out on my own and left the path of following God. They might think I'm confused or led astray somehow, and they might think I'm living in sin by transitioning genders or in some other way.
I no longer consider myself a Christian. I think "soft agnostic" is the best label for my beliefs now. I'm not sure whether it is possible or impossible to know spiritual truths, but I'm sure that I don't know them. The Bible paints it as worse to have been a Christian and left than to never have been a Christian at all, and in one of his letters, the Apostle Paul suggests that believers avoid those who have been a part of the church but will not follow his teachings that they may become ashamed and return to the righteous path (see verses below).
So, is it Biblical to shun me? Well, the context of both of the verses above that suggest that shunning me might be the right move are about people who are already in the Church, claiming to be Christian, but not wanting to follow the commandments or spreading false teachings. Someone who's as big on rules as I was as a Christian could apply those verses and others to me, though, and say that I was on the path of righteousness and have left it, and should, therefore, be shunned. They could have the best of intentions- my salvation- but it would still be hurtful. So the answer to whether it's Biblical to shun me is, I guess, up for interpretation.
And If I'm not shunned, I don't want to be someone's project. One of the best changes in me since I stepped back from Christianity is that I love people much better and judge them much less. My love doesn't come with strings, anymore. I want the type of genuine friendships that I've found since I left the Church with my friends back in the Church.
I'm writing this blog to process through my feelings about a recurring dream I have in which I return to my old church for a visit and am shunned by the people there who used to be my friends.
I used to be heavily involved in the Church. When I converted to Christianity at 15, I took it for granted that God would talk to me and was hailed as a prophet by some in my church as I "heard from Him." When I hit 18, I found other people who believed God still talked and worked among people today, and I became heavily involved in the Charismatic Church movement. I continued to be involved in this for several years. I even went to college for a year on track to be ordained as a minister and leave as a missionary at the end of my schooling. When I transferred to another school, I changed my major to Teaching English as a Second Language with the same goal in mind.
At age 22, with my Associate's Degree in hand, I fled abuse and moved to a new town to start work. My step-dad died unexpectedly, and I was raped soon after and was coping poorly. I was going to the train tracks several times a week and contemplating jumping in front of the trains. A big part of my angst came from trying to do the right thing and falling into sin repeatedly, something everyone struggles with. My sexuality and gender identity also didn't match up with the parameters set by the religion I was trying to follow, and it was tearing me up inside. Eventually, I decided that, in order to not commit suicide, I needed to take a step back from religion, and if there was a god, he/she/it would understand and would see me through the other side of the crisis.
After I stepped back from Christianity, I had to figure out who I was all over again. Since I converted to Christianity at age 15, I had endeavored to erase every aspect of my identity but my religion; that included my interests, my clothing preferences, even my food preferences. As I started to find myself again, I became more in touch with the fact that I am transgender (nonbinary, on testosterone), asexual, and queer. These things have always been true, but I worked hard to suppress them when I was Christian.
From the outside, to the members of my old churches, it probably looks like I got out on my own and left the path of following God. They might think I'm confused or led astray somehow, and they might think I'm living in sin by transitioning genders or in some other way.
I no longer consider myself a Christian. I think "soft agnostic" is the best label for my beliefs now. I'm not sure whether it is possible or impossible to know spiritual truths, but I'm sure that I don't know them. The Bible paints it as worse to have been a Christian and left than to never have been a Christian at all, and in one of his letters, the Apostle Paul suggests that believers avoid those who have been a part of the church but will not follow his teachings that they may become ashamed and return to the righteous path (see verses below).
2 Peter 2:21 NLT says, "It would be better if they had never known the way to righteousness than to know it and then reject the command they were given to live a holy life."
Paul says in 2 Thessalonians 3:14-15 "Take note of those who refuse to obey what we say in this letter. Stay away from them so they will be ashamed. 15Don’t think of them as enemies, but warn them as you would a brother or sister."And yet, on the whole, Christianity is about love. The following verses also exist:
Matthew 22:39-40 NLT "A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] 40 The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments."”The command to love other people supersedes all the other commands, and, as a popular meme says, love your neighbor should be carried out in a way that your atheist neighbor would call it love.
So, is it Biblical to shun me? Well, the context of both of the verses above that suggest that shunning me might be the right move are about people who are already in the Church, claiming to be Christian, but not wanting to follow the commandments or spreading false teachings. Someone who's as big on rules as I was as a Christian could apply those verses and others to me, though, and say that I was on the path of righteousness and have left it, and should, therefore, be shunned. They could have the best of intentions- my salvation- but it would still be hurtful. So the answer to whether it's Biblical to shun me is, I guess, up for interpretation.
And If I'm not shunned, I don't want to be someone's project. One of the best changes in me since I stepped back from Christianity is that I love people much better and judge them much less. My love doesn't come with strings, anymore. I want the type of genuine friendships that I've found since I left the Church with my friends back in the Church.
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