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Depressed?

Am I depressed?

I told my psychiatrist I wasn't at my last appointment because there are things that can pierce through the haze of mental illness and make me feel alive- poetry mostly. I asked my friends and family if there are things that make them feel alive, and a lot of them had long lists: time with loved ones, hiking, making art, making music, cooking, playing with pets... I have one thing, but I'm so grateful to have that thing. If you have something that makes you feel alive, hold onto it, and if there are days where depression is so thick, your one thing barely makes a dent, do it anyway. It's your secret weapon in an invisible war.

But I digress. I told my psychiatrist I wasn't depressed because I can enjoy poetry, and it can make me feel alive. I can also sometimes enjoy my other hobbies. However, upon further reflection, I think I must be depressed because I can't do anything. I sleep 16 hours a day, but is that from depression or because I have trouble breathing and with pain in my sleep? I shower once a week, but is that from depression or the acute sensory overload that comes from water touching my skin? I can sometimes initiate tasks, but I only do them for like 15 seconds, but is that depression or autism-related? I haven't been able to write a blog in a month. I can't initiate inviting friends over when planned. It's not just stuff I have to do; I can't muster the needed umf to follow through with the things I want to do, either. I'm still suicidal at least monthly, for what that's worth.

See, I'm not very good at identifying my feelings until they're extreme, so I look for signs in my life that I'm experiencing certain symptoms, so that I can report them to my therapist and psychiatrist. For instance, I know I'm anxious when the center of my stomach feels hollow, and I'm holding my breath. I know I'm depressed when I can't find joy in my hobbies anymore.

But the signs I see in my life now are conflicted and could come from multiple sources, so I don't have a perfect answer to give my doctor about what's going on with me.

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