I'd like to visit my family more often than I do, and I have the means to do so. My preference would be to visit around every 3 months, instead of closer to 2-3 times a year, and I know my family would like that, too.
My mental illness has gotten worse since I moved to my current city, even though the way I handle it has gotten better. That's not unexpected. My age makes emerging psychotic symptoms expected with my illnesses. I manage them well. I maintain communication with my care team, take all of my psychiatric medications on time, participate in therapy bi-weekly, and know and avoid my triggers.
Managing my illnesses well does not mean that they're well-managed, however. I was hospitalized last week for psychiatric reasons, and I'm still experiencing complex auditory hallucinations and simple visual hallucinations after the medication change.
Additionally, I'm freer with my autism up here. I don't try to avoid things like self-stimulatory (stimming) behaviors and enjoying special interests, and I don't try to alter unusual speech patterns. Trying to revert back to masking autistic traits while visiting family is hard. I did this for decades, but I feel more self-confident and less anxious not suppressing these parts of myself.
Additionally, I can no longer hide my mental illness during visits. Granted, I didn't hide it super well before. I remember family members trying to talk to me about it occasionally. However, things like immersive delusions and hallucinations will be new to my family, and I imagine they'll be hard. I can't always tell if the things I'm hearing are real or not, and so I respond to, say a knock on the door, accordingly. My family might automatically consider these things a psychiatric emergency, rather than what's becoming my "normal," since it's new to them.
So, I've been self-isolating based on how I think my family will react to my symptoms, and tonight, when they asked about me visiting, I realized this and explained the situation. I hoped that the response would be an invitation to come, anyway, but it wasn't. I feel like the impression I got was to wait until I had medication that works better. I know this was the first time I breached the topic, and the family member might not "get it," yet.
These symptoms will likely be with me or will have a chance of recurring for the rest of my life. It doesn't mean I'm not me or that I'm a danger to my family most of the time. It's just a new facet of my illnesses that I have to deal with, now, and that they'll have to learn about if I'm going to be staying with them for a week at a time, still.
I'm not delusional. I'm not a danger to myself or others. I'm not having generalized anxiety. I'm not suicidal. This is the most stable we've gotten me thus far. I'm still having hallucinations, paranoia at night, and some depression. I haven't gotten to meet with my psychiatrist, yet, to see where we want to go from here. She doesn't have ANY openings for 2 months.
I don't have a great closing to this blog. Just- my mental illness is likely as permanent as my asthma. I really want people to stay in my life, but that might mean learning a little with me again, just like they've learned to deal with sudden asthma or seizure issues.
My mental illness has gotten worse since I moved to my current city, even though the way I handle it has gotten better. That's not unexpected. My age makes emerging psychotic symptoms expected with my illnesses. I manage them well. I maintain communication with my care team, take all of my psychiatric medications on time, participate in therapy bi-weekly, and know and avoid my triggers.
Managing my illnesses well does not mean that they're well-managed, however. I was hospitalized last week for psychiatric reasons, and I'm still experiencing complex auditory hallucinations and simple visual hallucinations after the medication change.
Additionally, I'm freer with my autism up here. I don't try to avoid things like self-stimulatory (stimming) behaviors and enjoying special interests, and I don't try to alter unusual speech patterns. Trying to revert back to masking autistic traits while visiting family is hard. I did this for decades, but I feel more self-confident and less anxious not suppressing these parts of myself.
Additionally, I can no longer hide my mental illness during visits. Granted, I didn't hide it super well before. I remember family members trying to talk to me about it occasionally. However, things like immersive delusions and hallucinations will be new to my family, and I imagine they'll be hard. I can't always tell if the things I'm hearing are real or not, and so I respond to, say a knock on the door, accordingly. My family might automatically consider these things a psychiatric emergency, rather than what's becoming my "normal," since it's new to them.
So, I've been self-isolating based on how I think my family will react to my symptoms, and tonight, when they asked about me visiting, I realized this and explained the situation. I hoped that the response would be an invitation to come, anyway, but it wasn't. I feel like the impression I got was to wait until I had medication that works better. I know this was the first time I breached the topic, and the family member might not "get it," yet.
These symptoms will likely be with me or will have a chance of recurring for the rest of my life. It doesn't mean I'm not me or that I'm a danger to my family most of the time. It's just a new facet of my illnesses that I have to deal with, now, and that they'll have to learn about if I'm going to be staying with them for a week at a time, still.
I'm not delusional. I'm not a danger to myself or others. I'm not having generalized anxiety. I'm not suicidal. This is the most stable we've gotten me thus far. I'm still having hallucinations, paranoia at night, and some depression. I haven't gotten to meet with my psychiatrist, yet, to see where we want to go from here. She doesn't have ANY openings for 2 months.
I don't have a great closing to this blog. Just- my mental illness is likely as permanent as my asthma. I really want people to stay in my life, but that might mean learning a little with me again, just like they've learned to deal with sudden asthma or seizure issues.
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