.Being.Us

I have more trouble writing at length about happy things than issues, which results in a lot of difficulty-related posts. So, I'm going to try for a positive post, but I'm pretty sure it will just be a disjointed list of things that make me smile. I love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love my service dog. I really like being in the forest , especially when there is a waterfall or racing stream a distance away but just audible, and you're not near a busy road. I love sitting on firm, cool rocks and hugging ancient trees while imagining what they've seen. I love the smell of the forest. I like to close my eyes and use the proximity sense that a lot of blind people and people who don't see super well have to just feel everything around me. I used to love to climb, and I hope I'll be able to do that again by the time I finish rehab from breaking my knee. I love my autistic and mentally ill internet friends who are super accepting of everyone and wil...

I'm having a really awful psych day. People don't talk about the awful days openly when they involve things, like hallucinations and delusions, that are so heavily stigmatized. This can lead to those of us who experience those things feeling depressed, alone, ashamed, etc., though, and there's no shame in mental illness. That's why I'm making this post, describing my really crappy last few days. I don't need a trip to the hospital, yet, and I'm not in danger. I just want this to  be less stigmatized, and I want others who experience it to feel less alone. So, here's my last few days, copied from Tumblr. I might expand and explain better when I'm thinking more clearly. I’m having a really bad couple of psych days. I’m not by any means suicidal. That doesn’t really happen when I’m on Effexor. I love my life, and I want to live. I haven’t missed any psych meds, but I’m having auditory hallucinations of knocking coming from all directions, bu...

I've been trying to train retrieval with my service dog in training since I got her, but she's seemed to have a block about retrieval  commands specifically. She learned around 2 dozen other things during the months she was stuck on retrieval. Last night, though, we had our first really successful training session with it. I think part of the success came from us being more bonded than when we first started training, but I thought I'd share the steps that worked in training, too, in case they help anyone else:   Step 1: Put dog food/treats in a breathable cloth bag. Have Coco go get it only on command. I used “get it” at first, which she knew from playing, and then I transitioned to “get bag”. At this stage, she was chewing on the bag, trying to get the treats out, but I would still praise her for getting it when I asked. Step 2: Repeat step 1 but ask her to “bring it” once she has it. Gently pull her and the bag towards me and reward/praise when she arriv...

I don't have enough spoons. If you know me well, you've probably heard me say this more than once. So, what do I mean? Spoon theory is used by some physically and mentally ill patients to describe energy levels. Basically, a spoon represents a certain amount of energy. Everyone starts the day with a certain number of spoons for the day. A healthy person would start with a higher number than a person with chronic or mental illness. Each task throughout the day takes a certain amount of energy, or number of spoons. Different tasks take different amounts of energy for different people. So, say a person with chronic illness starts the day with 21 spoons. Their day might look like this: Getting out of bed- 3 spoons Getting dressed- 5 spoons Hygiene- 7 spoons Important phone call- 6 spoons Now, they're out of spoons for the day. They might be able to take a break or nap and recover some spoons, but they might not. An abled person would start the day with more spo...

Often, when people find out I deal with mental illness , chronic illness, or autism , they express how sorry they are. This feels strange, like I'm defective in some way, and they wish they could change me, like I'm not loveable as I am. I know that's not what they're trying to express. Sometimes, I do wish I could change me. Mental illness is especially hard. Even though I know there's no shame in having a mental illness, and it's not something I can overcome by sheer willpower, sometimes, I feel ashamed not to be able to will it away. There are days when, no matter how hard I try, I cannot do the very important things that need done, and the only block is an illness in my own mind. There are nights when I cannot logic away delusions or talk down paranoia enough to take my dog out. There are times when I do things during a mental health episode that I come to regret later. This all gets even harder to judge with chronic physical illnesses and autism mixed in;...

Earlier this week, I started on the medication  Seroquel . I'm on 100 (milligrams, I think) and will gradually increase to the therapeutic dose of 250, if all goes as planned. I just wanted to give a quick update on my experience so far. Issues It is Intended to Treat Insomnia Paranoia Delusions Benefits so Far Mood stabilization - My mood fluctuates a lot less throughout the day. I did not realize that the amount that my mood changed independent of external circumstances was unusual, but it stays steady more now.  Insomnia Drastically Reduced - I fall asleep without trouble and only wake up 1-2 times per night. I have NEVER experienced that before. At first, it made me sleepy during the day, too, but melatonin and a little caffeine sorted out my sleep schedule well. Increased Focus Side Effects so Far Drowsiness - It puts me to sleep about 1-2 hours after I take it, and it's hard to wake up in the morning without caffeine. Nausea - I experience nausea ...

Content warnings: Venting, Medical Records, SSI, Psychiatry Content in this blog represents my own personal opinions and experiences. So, story time: I need SSI paperwork completed by my psychiatrist's office immediately, or it could add a whole year to my wait. It's the only office that hasn't turned in the SSI paperwork, yet. They emailed me today and said that they will not do it because I "haven't seen my current psychiatrist 4-6 times," and it is department policy that I do so before paperwork is completed. I've been with my psychiatrist's office for around 2 years. It's part of a major hospital network in my city, and they've had some turnover in the department during my time with them. My first psychiatrist,  Dr. Vaka , was okay. He didn't really get  autism, but he worked with me until we found meds that helped me. He also listened to me, even though I had a lot more trouble communicating when I started to see him than I d...