.Being.Us

CW: suicide, dysphoria, ptsd, memory loss My relationship with my transition journey is complicated by the fact that PTSD has erased most of my memories of a decade of my life, including all of puberty. However, I want to try, as best I can, to tell you about my transition. When I was a child, my family did not emphasize gender roles. I was allowed to wear wear and play with whatever I liked and be whoever I liked, and therefore, I didn't feel a great need to push back against my assigned gender. Early in puberty, I was still allowed to date who I liked and be who I liked, and my body was late to develop, so I still didn't feel much dysphoria. Even though I didn't know what trans was, I was already presenting as my real self.  Autism helped me be oblivious to the opinions of anyone who might have disagreed with my gender presentation. I also remember being exposed to the concept of intersex people around this time and thinking "I was supposed to be born that way....

CW: internalized transphobia, dysphoria March 31st every year is International Day of Transgender Day of Visibility. A sister to Transgender Day of Remembrance, the Day of Visibility is a day of empowerment, celebrating the accomplishments of the transgender community and fighting against discrimination. This year, I've avoided talking and thinking about my gender much more than in the past, so, instead of a more traditional Day of Visibility post, I'm going to explore that a little. I think there are a number of reasons I don't talk about my gender identity as much as I used to: Not talking about it helps me ignore my gender dysphoria . Gender dysphoria is "a condition where a person experiences discomfort or distress because there's a mismatch between their biological sex and gender identity," (- Nation Health Service UK ) and I've found that avoiding the topic of gender helps me avoid the most painful of the dysphoric feelings. I don't want t...

CW: depression, psychiatric medications, suicide Around 16 million adults of all backgrounds will experience depression in their lifetimes- that's 7% of the world's population ( NAMI ). Depression is more than just feeling sad once in a while. It's a serious mental health condition that impacts the ability of those affected to do daily tasks, work, sustain relationships, and otherwise engage in their lives. Depression can cause sleeping too little, sleeping too much, eating too little, eating too much, agitated movement, thoughts of self harm or suicide, feelings of guilt or hopelessness, difficulty focusing, executive dysfunction, loss of energy, physical aches and pains, and other symptoms ( NAMI ). I experience severe depression when I am not taking antidepressants, to the point of being unable to get out of bed and feeling nearly constantly suicidal and more mild depression when I'm on antidepressants. There are a number of things you can try to help combat depre...

What Every Autistic Girl Wishes Her Parents Knew is a collection of essays edited by Emily Paige Ballou, Kristina Thomas, and Sharon daVanport. The tone of the essays is conversational, and they're directed at parents whose daughters have been diagnosed with autism. Nearly all, if not all, of the essays are written by actually autistic individuals. Reading it as an autistic individual, I found it an uplifting and edifying read, but I also found some parts of it a little triggering. The book is divided into the following sections: Preface, Foreword, Introduction, Early Memories, Childhood and Education, Gender Identity and Sexuality, Acceptance and Adaptation, Finding Community, Conclusion, Afterword, Contributors, and Notes. Most sections contain several essays. The Preface explains that parents often understand their autistic children more after talking to actually autistic people than after talking to many experts and that this book offers a diverse collection of autistic p...

"Delusions  are strong beliefs that are not consistent with the person’s culture, are unlikely to be true and may seem irrational to others" ( NAMI ). I struggle with delusions consistently and have for years. In my pre-teen and teenage years, I sat in bed bartering with a complex society of monsters each night to let me live through the night, and I covered my neck so that one monster in particular could not turn me into one of his minions. Today, I struggle with thinking that people I see are vampires, werewolves, or goblins using illusion magic to pass as human. I also struggle with thinking I'm being watched and followed or recorded. Other common delusions include believing that outside forces are controlling your thoughts or actions, believing little remarks or objects have special significance, and believing that you have special powers ( NAMI ). " Hallucinations  are seeing, hearing or feeling things that aren’t there"  ( NAMI ). I didn't start deali...

"Delusions are strong beliefs that are not consistent with the person’s culture, are unlikely to be true and may seem irrational to others" ( NAMI ). I deal with delusions pretty constantly. I often think I'm being followed or surveilled, and I believe that people I see are vampires, werewolves, or goblins using illusion magic to pass as human. In the past, when I was not on the correct anti-psychotic medication, I also believed that people around me were being replaced by replicas and feared being replaced myself. The delusions I experience off of anti-psychotic medications affect how I see the whole world, while the delusions on anti-psychotics still occur within what I perceive as the "real world." Sometimes, these delusions are re-enforced by hallucinations, as well. Because I experience delusions so frequently, and because anti-psychotics sometimes allow me to approach those thoughts logically, I use several strategies to test thoughts that I think might b...